I have a few.
One is abbreviation hell. Nobody is going to spend the time trying to decipher what you mean when you use over several abbreviations. It is just better if you’d explain than expecting people to understand aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.
Another is overstepping your limits for the sake of getting a partner. Compromising your own standards is perhaps one of the worst things you can do when it comes to trying to find dates. Like you’re suddenly okay with dating single parents but you don’t like children. You’re suddenly okay with dating religious people but you’re not religious. Things like that. Because it means you’re desperate and you’re setting yourself up and setting them up for a bad date.
A friend commented on my wife and I’s attachment style the other day and yeah that’s a big one. I naturally have a disorganized (leaning anxious) attachment style and my wife naturally has an avoidant one. But from the beginning we did the work to reinforce secure attachment thought patterns in ourselves and it’s made a world of difference. So yeah, a lot of people could really use to work on their attachment style
I think it’s important to realize that we fantasize the person more than actually knowing them in the beginning. This can be bad if you’re expectations are high and you find yourself fantasizing about a partner often. It’s especially hard when just chatting online as we tend to form that person in our head before we actually meet them.
Just remember it takes time to really get to know someone. You can spend a lifetime learning someones inner workings and never really figure it out 100%. It can be a blessing though since it will allow you to fall in love with the person more than once.
edit: meant to add that it’s also a similar struggle if you fantasize about “The One that Got Away”. It’s not reality, that person isn’t who you believe them to be in your dreams (both literally and figuratively if you dream about them at night). Your perceived notions of what that relationship would be might hold you back from actually fully committing to the person you’re interested in.
- Profiles with no hooks. They’ll have like 3 unremarkable pictures and a bio that says like “I like hanging out”. What is your match supposed to do with this? It’s extra bad if their bio says like “I hate small talk”.
Side note: small talk plays important roles in socializing and is an important skill. Use it to steer the conversation to interesting topics.
- Getting too in their head and bailing for flimsy reasons. Like, if the guy threatened you definitely do not continue. But I had a friend that was like “he was really sweet and lived nearby, but his hair was browner than his photos and I just wanted blonde”. Like what. That is not a good reason to bail.
No one’s going to be perfect. People are going to be nervous on a first date. Give them a chance.
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Conversely, sticking with a relationship too long. Contrary to the above, sometimes you really should call it. If the guy isn’t treating you with respect, you don’t have to keep going. If you realize you never look forward to seeing them, you should probably end it.
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Chatting too long before meeting. You’re not a real person to them when you’re just over text. You’re missing body language and tone. You want to meet in person quickly.
The general flow for me is like
- Initial message. Hopefully ask something about their profile
- if they respond well, maybe another couple follow up questions.
- clear any deal breakers. Eg: if you have a kid, ask “hey I just wanted to check you saw on my profile I have a toddler. Are you okay with that?”
- ask if they want to have a date in person to see if you get along
- schedule the date
- go on the date
If the online chat ends and you haven’t scheduled a date, but you want to, that’s bad. You don’t want to be having a second “hey what’s up?” tinder chat.
- related to the above: dead ending the chat. Don’t do that. Like, let’s pretend your profile says you love dragon age. They message you with “I’ve been a dragon age fan since origins! Did you play Veilguard yet? I’m thinking of starting it this weekend”. You respond with "I haven’t played it yet ". What the fuck kind of garbage reply is that? What is the other person supposed to do with that? They essentially have to send you another first message. Good first messages are hard! Give them something to work with. “I haven’t played it yet, but I loved origins! Always played mage. What was your favorite origin?” You almost always want to ask a question.
If this doesn’t come naturally to you , that’s fine. Just remember with your brain “always ask a question”. You need to give them something to work with.
- Don’t non sequitur into sexual details. Sorry, but them’s the norms. Like, a friend was chatting with a match about Star Trek and the guy out of the blue was like “so do you like anal?”. Unmatched.
And a last thought that ended up stranded at the bottom of this post, and I’m writing on my phone so editing is hard:
“But what about people who want to take it slow?” Do you want to date someone who doesn’t want to date? I don’t.
edit: minor error from autocorrect
I’ve thankfully been in a relationship for over a year. But when I was looking the dead ending the conversation was huge for me, I’d say a third of the matches did it. I used the 3 strikes rule, because sometimes people are busy and they just want to respond but don’t have time to continue the flow of the conversation. Which is fine.
I once has a girl follow up 2 weeks later asking why we didn’t go on a date? I told her that was the first question she asked me and I felt she wasn’t into the conversation.
Don’t be so desperate to get into a relationship that you try to carry the whole thing on your shoulders.
I once has a girl follow up 2 weeks later asking why we didn’t go on a date? I told her that was the first question she asked me and I felt she wasn’t into the conversation.
I do wonder sometimes what they’re thinking. Like, do they think the conversation is going well when I have to keep resuscitating it?
I’m told people have “different communication styles”, which is fine, but “not asking questions and giving really short answers” doesn’t seem like an effective style here. Like, if someone’s chatting you up at the bar and you’re not interested, then giving short answers can make a kind of sense. But in a dating app where you both showed interest? If you’re no longer interested just unmatch.
the guy out of the blue was like “so do you like anal?”
What 😭
This one should be obvious
The most glaring ones are immodest men looking for modest women
The 2nd one is waiting for marriage until you get to know what you like and what they like. If you “have to” eat the same dish, make sure that you like the same dish.
If you met online, do a video chat as early as possible before you get all emotionally invested. I’ve been catfished more times than I can remember.
The biggest mistake I see is that people don’t ever mix with people anymore.
Honestly the biggest single question I would ask if I wanted to bet how likely someone gets a partner would be “how often do you leave your house outside of work and grocery shopping” Do stuff. Dating apps try to bring single folk to you but you’ll have far more fun just… doing stuff. Doesn’t matter if you go alone or with a group, it’s usually more fun than just browsing the internet.
Go to a car show, go to an anime/scifi/star trek/furry convention, go to a craft fair, go to a bar and sit at the counter, find some way to have fun in public. Don’t even bother trying to hunt down a partner, just have fun in a public setting. If you find ways to have fun in public, you start going out in public more. You do that, you start meeting potential partners by accident. Not only that:
- You start learning social skills
Being surrounded by strangers means you can do a faux pas and nobody will remember it was you a week from now. They’re strangers, they remember the story but not the person. A group of strangers can be oddly freeing, you can say no to them and never see them again. If they judge you you’ll probably never see them again.
- You start learning about your area
I learned Minneapolis has a fire breathing co-op so you can learn to juggle flames, a 501st legion of starwars cosplayers that can bring the empire to any event, a working ecto 1 that sometimes prowls the streets and has a youtube series.
- You start becoming more interesting.
Did you click the links? You see what I mean? Now this is an interesting post. You now have things to talk about, about the land around you to whoever you’re talking to. It also provides two really great topics to talk about. “what have you found around here?” “what have I found around here?” Is there another event? A club or bar that is just bizarre? A sport or game you’ve never heard of. Apparently Minnesota’s roller derby team is amazing, still haven’t found the time to watch a game, but if you can find one, why not try there?
Seriously just… do something. Find an event. If you think it’s stupid then try to verify if it’s stupid. (never was interested in cars, but it was free. Turns out the car show had the ecto 1, and the adam west batmobile. My hypothesis was proven wrong) Instead of scrolling through lemmy or facebook, wander around an event and watch and listen. If you see a booth, ask about it.
I found that I could keep things interesting to me by basically playing a scavenger hunt with events. Go to an event and find your next event at the event you’re at. An event can be anything from a party, a convention, to a place that’s just plain interesting. It also really got people interested. Whenever I brought up my quest “find an event at this event”, people loved the idea and would often try to help. Heck, sometimes they’d even tag along at the next one.
This is awesome, I think I’d add to this:
Ask questions. Strike up conversations. Listen attentively. Be genuinely curious about people and ask about their lives. Do this to people of all genders, whether you’re attracted to them or not.
I think your assessment of the issue is accurate. People don’t go out and do things like they did before the pre cellphone and internet age.
But for me…for the life of me if I go out and do stuff on my own, I cannot interact with strangers. It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant, and I don’t get anything out of it. I don’t know how that’s supposed to magically swing the other direction.
Hell, even with people I like and know well… interacting with them outside of our “normal” routine is uncomfortable and unpleasant for me. Over the years, I’ve befriended someone at work and feel comfortable there. But for the life of me, I cannot gain the same level of comfort and satisfaction hanging out outside of work.
I’ve had a sister in law for years and years now. Despite this, I do not have the inability to interact with her. It is uncomfortable, unlessant, and I do not get anything out of it. It’s not her fault…she’s a very nice person. But I just absolutely cannot ever gain comfort around people in certain (read: many) types of scenarios. I am comfortable around my parents and that’s it. No matter how often I spend with other people.
Exposing myself repeatedly to these scenarios has not ever helped or made any sort of difference.
I would always suggest never force yourself to interact with people. I’m just saying be adjacent. You don’t have to force yourself to interact with people. Just at least be around them.
Forcing yourself to interact with a person for no other reason than interaction is ALWAYS awkward. It takes skill to plow through the awkwardness. Speed dating, speed friending, date auctions, are always awkward for this reason. Small talk can be difficult but if you treat someone more like google asking a question you actually care about. It’s a lot less awkward. People like to be experts, and treated as such.
It’s why I say just, wander. It’s alright not speaking to anybody for hours at an event. Walk through it like you would a forest. Take in the sights and sounds. Try to find something truly interesting.
I go out and do stuff for me. I’m perfectly comfortable with wandering around and looking at things without ever interacting with everyone besides thanking the person behind the register after buying something. I’ve had social anxiety for so long that it’s become a normal thing for me now to not expect any interaction with anyone. And, because of this, no one wants to talk to the quiet person who is scared to look at you in the eye. They might think I’m just being rude or something but in reality I’m avoiding a potential interaction that scares me. So, speaking to what this person said about going out and doing stuff I can relate. Going out in public doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll interact with people. You can be alone even when surrounded by people.
I can relate to this. Several times I have forced myself to go out and mix with people only to be back again in home and think that I got nothing positive from the experience, sometimes neither a good time during the process. Right now I think that Im transitioning to the acceptance that I just don’t like people and I want to be by myself.
It’s sad to see people who want a bad boy/girl and just end up in a toxic relationship. It’s possible to find someone who is badass AND willing to treat you with respect, but they are not common. It takes way too long for people to realize that the gentler person is going to lead to a better relationship in the long run.
One might argue that the most badass thing someone can do in a relationship is treating your partner with love and respect.
I think you’re missing the point. They’re not looking for a badass. They’re looking for someone broken that they can attempt to fix.
Trying to be too serious too quick. You’ve gotta let the dopamine rush of the possibilities wear off before truly knowing if the person is a good fit.
Ooh, new relationship energy can be intoxicating. Then once it wears off the other person loses their gloss and you realize they don’t like dogs and chew too loudly.
This is a big one that I honestly still struggle with sometimes. I was on the opposite end of it for the first time earlier this year though.
I think I’m on the opposite end now, myself. My walls have gotten too high. Any tips?
I remember being on the receiving end of that, and this can actually be a good limit is test on compatibility regarding communication and boundaries. First step is to communicate that you feel it moving too fast. If the person is receptive and able to recalibrate without too much drama (it’s understandable to get a little taken aback), that’s a great sign. If their emotions go a little haywire, it might show signs of potential issues that may need to get worked out or that y’all aren’t on the same page emotionally.
For most people, yes. But me and my girlfriend talked kids, marriage and so on on our first date irl.
You can and should talk about those things early on. But there’s a difference between…
Do you want to have kids?
(which is about ensuring an alignment of values)
And…
What should we name our kids?
(which is trying to get too serious too quickly)
I don’t know why you think that religious and non-religious people can’t be together. That very attitude tells me that I would never want to go on a date with you. My wife and I have been in such a marriage for 15 years, we have two children, and it works just fine. In my opinion, the problem is the fanatics; they are the cancer of this world, and when I see that someone is a fanatic, it tells me to run away from them.
Fanatics lend legitimacy to fairweather supporters. Someone in your relationship is compromising their integrity. Is it you?
Every relationship is a compromise. Family, friendship, romantic… Otherwise, you’re just a psychopath.
Is it because the religious people tend to force their opinions on other people?
Not sure whether it’s a mistake or not, but when I see people being so negative on their profile, I skip. It’s fine to announce your intentions (eg, looking forward a commitment, not looking for a situationship), but if your profile is mainly a list of don’t’s, then that to me screams you’ve still got issues to work through.
Another one are the people who either don’t fill out a profile, or say something trite like “if you want to know, ask”. That makes me think you’re lazy, and expect the other person to do all the work. If you can’t be bothered even a little, then I can’t be bothered even a little.
No idea. I always tell them how nice I am, I always hold the door for them, and I even shower before we meet up. I’ve even going so far as to pick them up at their houses, they never seem to appreciate it. Some have reacted quite unexpectedly, slamming the door and yelling about police. I’ve learned to never show initiative and learn their address beforehand, as the effort is never reciprocated. Maybe if I was some knuckledragging douchebag, I’d get some of the attention I deserve.
I find if you visit them in their bedroom for a surprise you can get to know how they react under stressful situations.
Honestly to me that’s really important. I need someone who is cool and calm under pressure
Can you imagine hitching your wagon to someone only to find out years later that they can’t stay focused while under the effects of teargas?
Ok, Tyler
I am old enough to appreciate that reference.
That’s… That’s a joke right?
It says a lot about the strange people you meet online that, had I never responded, no one but me would truly know if this offhand comment actually came from a deranged stalker or just some drunk and bored idiot looking to do some light trolling.
Ok! Phew! I’ve read some real incel shit on some comments and you made me believe your case was real.
It’s masterful
Why thank you, it took many edits to get it to the point where it was creepy but believable.
I’m gonna say probably a joke, but we all know where exactly to find a dead serious version
Yeah. These days it’s difficult to tell.
aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.
Any abbreviations being sent are probably are easy to understand for the sender? Sounds like a generational difference more than anything.
fr fr
Lit fam no cap
Agreed. Seems like an effective filter
Yep, not everyone is for everyone and that’s a good thing. No sense in hiding that you’re someone who communicates in a not-for-everyone way.
They focus on finding other people who fit them and not adjusting to fit other people.
Assuming that a profile is enough to understand someone. Sure, don’t waste time/drag out meeting someone but… actually talk (video chat) and ask questions before you move things along.
Ask questions important to you and what you are looking for.
Video chat? Wtf. Have people ever heard of coffee? Very public, fairly short, no commitment. You can even say the no commitment part up front. Just meet, don’t expect anything, and see how it goes.
You assume the people I meet are living within a distance that makes it easy to “just get coffee”. If I meet them on a forum, Discord group, online gaming, etc., and not a dating website or app, they probably won’t be close to me. That doesn’t negate the possibility of a dating / romantic relationship.
Also, I personally wouldn’t meet someone without talking to them on the phone first (regardless of distance), so why wouldn’t I just video chat with them… FaceTime is just as easy as a phone call.
If you meet someone online and immediately want to meet them in person for coffee, good for you. However don’t act like someone else’s approach is wrong… because you don’t agree.
And what about people several hours apart? Unless you live in a large city, the local pool is shallow.
I have a stupid question.
How do people “see how it goes” and ever have a positive experience? For me, even if the person is friendly and funny, I am so uncomfortable that I never want to do it again. Literally no one has ever felt any different for me. Even if I gain some level of pleasantness and satisfaction from the interaction, it is incredibly mild and doesn’t ever make up for anything or make me wish to continue. I have tried seeing people repeatedly to no avail. The cost-benefit analysis never nets me out on top. I have always been a perpetual loner due in part to this. Does this mean I’m a psychopath or something? Because I cannot connect with and gain satisfaction from humans the way they seem to be able to with each other?
Do you experience that with people who you consider to be friends?
Yes.
But I do not experience it with my parents and I do not experience it at work.
This does not sound like a very common experience.
What is it that makes you uncomfortable? Is it all scenarios? Coffee date? Bar date?
I don’t know really. It’s mostly anything outside of certain scenarios. I am comfortable at work and with my parents. Anything else I am always uncomfortable. My discomfort can range from mild to severe depending on the scenario.
What is the discomfort? Are you afraid something will happen?
You should probably talk to a professional about this. I am not a professional, alas.
There are physiological causes of anxiety.
That’s just being anti-social, usually from anxiety. If it’s something you’d like to change, it’s probably worth seeing a professional therapist.
I have seen quite a few of those because people say you’re supposed to keep looking if they aren’t helping you. I’ve spoken to maybe 5 different ones at this point. They never have much of substance to say but are very quick to deduct large amounts of money from my bank account. I don’t entirely understand what I am supposed to do to get something out of that. Not sure how many more I’m supposed to see or how much more thousands of dollars I’m supposed to spend before someone actually has any ideas of what to do beyond chatting with me and giving basic advice/platitudes.
I’ve honestly had similar enough chats with ChatGPT for free.
Have you tried a psychologist? They have a lot more experience than a counselor and might have a better chance, but it’ll cost more too. Also they can diagnose things which might make getting the right help easier if it’s something more than just social anxiety that’s getting missed.
Psychologists are better than counselors, but bear in mind there is a ton of variety in the quality of psychologists too.
Also as someone with 3 psychologists in my family, I personally have them stereotyped as greedy, narcissistic opportunists. But again I’m probably biased…
tl;dr
